In A Divorce, You Come First

Often, a spouse puts everyone in their family first — their partner, their children, sometimes even their elderly parents — and while that’s a very noble attitude to have, it has the potential to be quite destructive. This is especially true during a divorce.

You may be thinking “But my children!” — don’t worry. The court’s absolute primary duty is to make sure that the children are going to be well cared for. Your primary duty is to ensure that you end up looking forward to the future that’s in front of you, rather than dreading it — because if you hate the life you end up with, you’re not going to be able to be the person your children, your parents, or your future potential significant others need you to be.

Everyone around you has opinions, and it always seems like the most challenging moments of our life are the ones that bring them to the forefront. Divorce is no exception, and the moment it becomes public that you’re getting a divorce, you will get all manner of well-intentioned advice, crazy stories, and other opinions from everyone in your life. The truth, however, is very simple:

There Is No Right Way to Have a Divorce

You can listen to all of the advice that everyone has for you, but do it with several very large grains of salt. Every divorce is different, because every relationship is different. Don’t let your friends’ and family’s experiences make you think differently about the person you know is on the other side.

The Person On The Other Side Isn’t The Person You Think They Are

At the same time, keep firmly in mind that the person on the other side of the divorce proceedings isn’t the person you remember. Something has happened that has caused them to stop believing that their best future is with you, and there are powerful psychological forces within them that will cause them to devalue, corrupt, and distort their memories of the relationship the two of you have shared. You may be completely shocked at how quickly and profoundly this happens — which is precisely why it’s so very important that you take care of yourself…because the chances that they’ll take care of you are vanishingly slim.

Don’t Ignore Your Feelings

If you try to set your feelings aside — whether they’re feelings of shock and pain and hurt and anger or feelings of jubilation and freedom or feelings of intense guilt and shame — they will only return more powerfully later. Take the time you need to just sit and feel them, whatever they are. If you have to, share them with your trusted friends, or even with a therapist. If you try to keep them out, they will find other ways to express themselves — frequently by a failure of your physical health. Let them express themselves; put them out into the world in whatever form they want to take — that’s the only way to regain control.