“You’re Not My Parent!” — Kids and Remarriage

Sometimes, it can take years; sometimes, it happens before the divorce papers are filed. Sometimes, it never happens — but for most of us who experience a divorce, remarriage eventually becomes part of your life. But what do you do when your kids don’t want you to remarry?

The not-all-that-surprising answer is that it’s actually rarely the person you fall in love with that the children respond to. Instead, it’s the simple fact that there is a new person — because it’s the final nail in the coffin of your romantic relationship with their other parent.

Children Want Two Parents

Children, quite simply, instinctively want to see their parents together — even at very young ages, even if being together clearly makes their parents unhappy. It’s not a conscious decision on their part, even if they’re in their late teens. Unless one of them is actually abusive — and sometimes even then — children are biologically driven to desire access to both of their parents.

Interestingly, this need seems to increase as children get older, until they mature enough to be actively independent. This may be because teenagers are starting to actively seek out, understand, and develop romantic relationships — if their most personal model is “Mom and Dad didn’t stay together,” that can trigger some powerful doubts about their own ability as a romantic partner.

Young children tend to express their dissatisfaction in other ways, such as regression into the safety of an earlier age (thumbsucking, baby talk), acting out aggressively, or simply becoming extremely clingy and dependent. Children that are old enough to be cynical tend to develop a surprisingly sophisticated cynical view of relationships.

How to Respond

The answer is never to attempt to satisfy a child’s need for both parents by substituting your new love for their other parent. Simply put, they know better. Biology will win against any amount of reasoning or logic. They can certainly develop a strong and loving relationship with your new partner, but that person will never actually be their other parent, and they know that at the cellular level.

Instead, you need to be responsible in working with your kids and your ex.:

• Do your best to maintain the routine you used to have when you were together, making small changes over time to adapt. This will help children feel more secure during the transition.
• Develop a strong and proactive co-parenting plan — see our next post for more detail — and stick to it. This will show the children that the two of you both desire to (and are willing to work to) be there for them.
• Carefully observe their school performance and social performance, and watch for signs of maladaption, particularly in the form of substance abuse. Be prepared to arrange for counseling or other similar options if they don’t seem to be able to get it under control.

In short, the easiest way to help your children accept that you’ve fallen in love with someone that isn’t their other parent is to make sure that they have a secure environment, that they still have the other parent in their lives, and that they know you’re still there to go to bat for them. With that kind of structure and support, they will be much less insecure in the first place, so the new love interest is much less threatening.