Should I Get a Divorce?
We hear that question nearly every day at Gucciardo Family Law, and it still remains one of the most difficult to answer. The truth is that there is no easy answer — if there was, you wouldn’t be in a position to be asking the question in the first place. But we have noticed some very clear patterns as regards the final outcome of the situations that cause this question to come up.
Moving Toward, Not Keeping Away
One of the strongest signals that a marriage is worth saving is when both parties agree that there is a goal that they’re moving toward — and on what the goal is. For example, if there is strife at home, but both parents agree that staying together is important for the emotional well-being of their child, they can share that drive — and use it to create more common ground.
On the opposite end, if the goal is to avoid something bad rather than achieve or maintain something good, you’re significantly less likely to stay married. Saying, for example, “he doesn’t beat me,” or “what if no one ever loves me again?” — those aren’t goals, they’re fears disguising themselves as goals. And fear is never a great reason to stay in a relationship, especially one that’s already not working out well.
Moving Away, Not Keeping Toward
On the other hand, the same rule applies to getting divorced in the first place. If your reason for wanting a divorce is that you feel it would move you toward a desirable goal (“I want to go back to school and get a job, and my wife is denying me that opportunity,”) a divorce is more likely to work out than not. If you want a divorce in order to avoid something (“What if she’s not The One and I get stuck in an unfulfilling relationship?”) you’re probably not going to follow through with it. And realistically, you probably shouldn’t.
That’s because in general, taking actions out of fear results in less of a sense of fulfillment, less commitment to your course of action, and less self-confidence than taking actions out of desire to achieve a goal. Even if that goal isn’t explicitly “be with and love my partner,” staying together simply out of a common path forward works in a way that fear-based choices simply don’t.
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