The Seven Stages of Separation

Research has shown that the commonly-known ‘Seven Stages of Grief’ are quintessentially fictional. Even the author of those seven stages originally conceived them as a very rough guideline, never intended to be a strict sequence or even necessarily always appearing. Nevertheless, the ‘stages of grief’ concept is an enormously powerful tool for achieving self-understanding in a moment of intense emotional trauma.

The Seven Stages of Separation are as follows:

• Terror
• Denial
• Anguish
• Fury
• Epiphany
• Negotiation
• Ownership

If you’ve ever been through a horrific event wherein someone else was largely in control of the situation and you were dragged along helpless, you might feel a sense of recognition. These stages are very much like the stages of grief, but they reflect a very similar process that is being forced upon you by another person.

Interestingly, both parties to a divorce go through almost the exact same process — and both parties feel that the other party is the ‘inflictor!’ …but the party initiating the divorce experiences it well before the other. In fact, it’s the ownership of the divorce on the part of the initiator that causes terror in the other spouse. Here’s what it’s like from each perspective:

The Spouse that Demands a Divorce

• Is living in regular terror because of circumstances they feel they cannot control, that are tearing at the live they’ve been trying to build for themselves.
• For any of several emotional reasons, goes into denial at the thought of divorce — it’s just not something that they ever considered a valid option. Most often, the denial comes in the form of “this can be changed; it doesn’t have to be this way.”
• When things don’t change, despite their best efforts, the initiator descends into anguish, hopelessly afraid that life will never improve.
• Which, one day, will effortlessly convert into fury at the inability of themselves or their spouse to successfully overcome the problem that is driving them apart.
• Until the day they have an epiphany and realize that the problem is actually going to drive them apart. The only question is when.
• That’s when they begin one final attempt at negotiation — one last-ditch effort to save everything.
• And when that fails, they know that divorce is the only option, and they take ownership of that reality by bringing it to their spouse.

The Spouse that Learns They’re Getting Divorced

• Responds with sudden terror at the realization that their life is going to be permanently changed by the divorce.
• They attempt to escape the terror by going into denial, insisting that the central conflict can be solved if they just try one more time, a little harder, etc.
• When the ‘owning’ spouse informs them that the time for ‘one last effort’ was a few bullet points ago, anguish descends, for the same reason as it did for the other spouse: everything is changing, and they have no control over the situation.
• The fury at the ‘owner’s refusal to give it a “second last ditch try” overwhelms them,
• But eventually the epiphany that they’re perfectly serious and there’s no going back is generally relatively quick to hit.
• Once both parties recognize that they’ve passed the point of no return, all that’s left is the negotiation of what life will look like for each of them going forward.
• And in the end, whether it’s under legal duress or completely of their own accord, they will take ownership of their new life as an ex-spouse.

Like the Seven Stages of Grief, these stages vary immensely in duration and strength between people, and many experience them out-of-order or skip steps. But in those rare clear-headed moments that occur as a divorce progresses, perhaps you can use this guide to better understand your emotions as they are now and as you can expect them to be going forward. If you’re concerned that you’re not having those clear-headed moments and you need someone who can be clear-headed for you, call Gucciardo Family Law at (248) 723-5190 today.