Dads During Divorce: 3 Keys to Keeping it Cool

Typically, a divorce is not the time that you expect someone to be at their most functional. Divorce is stressful, messy, and painful, and it’s absurdly easy to make it much, much worse with a single angry comment. And because of our society’s inherent tendency to view men as more aggressive, we also tend to be much more ready to interpret their comments as angry or offensive. That means it’s harder for Dad to keep his cool (in the eyes of the judge) than it is for Mom. But we have some tips for reducing stress during the divorce process.

Think Carefully About the Cost of Litigation
It’s easy, during a divorce, to get caught up in the moment and want to push for everything to come out ‘your way.’ But it pays (literally) to remember that everything you do in court costs money. When you decide to quibble over some small detail, or you insist that your ex- is hiding something and you need to investigate in more detail, you’re giving up your hard-earned cash to get those things done. Is it worth it? Often, the answer (once you stop to think about it) is an obvious ‘no.’

Even worse for the guy half of the population, a judge is far more likely to assume that a guy is deliberately being a jerk, and penalize him for it. Women do often get viewed as manipulative, but it’s not often that a female gets the “broke Wheaton’s Law” penalty.

Get Used to Talking Openly About Money
American culture has a big taboo, in many places, around talking about money. But if you don’t honestly discuss money with your lawyer (and preferably your spouse’s lawyer, possibly even your spouse), you’re going to end up with more stress than you can handle. No one wants to be thought of us insufficient or needy, but staying silent while the court makes assumptions you don’t share and adds child support to alimony to other expenses is a recipe for disaster. If you don’t believe that you can handle the deal you’re getting, say something!

This is particularly difficult for guys — the ‘providers,’ our culture tells us — because by and large the guy is expected to be more work-ready and more profitable than the woman. Whether this is true or not, many courtrooms act like it’s true, and you have to be willing to point out when it’s not.

Prioritize Children Over Peace
Oftentimes, a divorce fight gets so brutal that one spouse decides to stop fighting simply because they can’t handle the stress of fighting. That’s not entirely a bad thing — but if you’re sacrificing custody or visitation rights (and you’d rather keep them), keep fighting! If you think it’s bad for the kid to witness, just imagine how bad it would feel for the child to believe that you abandoned your relationship with them because fighting to keep them was too hard.

Again, our society has believed for centuries that mom is the parent that children need. This means there’s still a significant need for fathers to stand up for their right to be parents — both to their spouse and potentially to the judge. If you fight for your kids, honestly for their long-term benefit and not your own egotistical desires, they’ll see it, and they’ll love you for it.

Dads, don’t let the vagaries of divorce get you overstressed. By performing constant cost/benefit analyses, sharing your money concerns with the court, and focusing on your love for your children, you can be the calm, unflappable parent that judges love. You won’t win everything you want to win, but you won’t feel like you’re losing everything, either.