Feel Your Way Through Your Divorce
When you announce that you’re intending to get a divorce, it seems that everyone wants to tell you divorce horror stories. Unfortunately, those stories don’t really do anyone any good — all they do is make you panic unnecessarily. You’re already emotionally vulnerable during a divorce; don’t let these careless words do you more harm.
The one thing you need to be aware of is that for every horror story, there are thousands of divorces that flow along with few hiccups and are resolved almost entirely amicably — you just don’t ever hear about them because “Dave and I divorced and it was just fine,” doesn’t make a great story.
There is no “right” way through a divorce — and that’s not because all ways are wrong. The truth is that every couple is unique, and every couple is going to run into problems that none of their friends or family has before.
Don’t Be Afraid to Feel
One of the most common responses to a divorce is to pretend it’s not happening. Perhaps not literally — but you do often hear soon-to-be-exes saying things like “I don’t have time for this” or “We can work things out; s/he’ll see.” Unfortunately, failing to acknowledge the shock you are in or the anger and betrayal that you feel will only lead to having those things come back ten times more powerfully — right in the middle of the proceedings, right when you need to be at your most level-headed.
So don’t be afraid to feel. Be afraid NOT to feel. If you need a therapist, get one. If you genuinely need medication to cope with the situation, get it. Do whatever you must do in order to be able to feel those feelings fully and deeply without losing control. If you don’t feel those feelings, they will manifest in the form of uncontrollable symptoms — from furious outbursts at strangers to literal sickness and exhaustion — later.
If You’re The Initiator
You may also have feelings you need to admit — but your feelings may be less pain and more guilt. Especially if you’re excited about the prospect of being without your ex: that kind of thing naturally brings some remorse with it. Again, accepting those feelings and genuinely feeling guilty is cathartic and often brings some needed perspective with it — and trying to deny or quash the feeling will sabotage your proceeding at some point if you don’t get it out.
No matter what role you played as spouse, or which role you play in the divorce, life changes of this magnitude bring serious feelings with them. If you can’t deal with them for what they are, they’ll deal with you — and that’s never going to achieve the ideal result.
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