Three More Highly Effective Ways to Sabotage a Relationship

Last month, we presented three very easy ways to turn a relationship into an ex-relationship. Insecurity, the need for dominance, and the need for distance all made an appearance…but it turns out there are a lot of ways to kill a relationship. Here are a few more of the classics:

Needing To Be Right

When you get into a fight with someone, there are two ways to approach the disagreement. The first way is to look for understanding. The second way is to look for evidence that you are right. These two are mutually exclusive: the more you’re focused on proving that the other person is wrong, the less you will achieve a mutual understanding.

Look at it this way: fights are almost always about feelings. If you disagree on a fact, you just look it up — that’s fine. When you disagree about the validity of someone’s feelings, well…you can’t actually ever prove that someone’s feelings are invalid. They’re feeling those feelings, so no matter how much evidence you offer up that they shouldn’t be, it’s too late. The damage has been done, and you can’t undo it simply by showing that it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. You have to strive for understanding, or you’re going to end up with a partner who feels invalid and unwanted…which means you’re going to end up with no partner at all.

Eternal Pessimism

The balance between optimism and pessimism is crucial in a relationship. Eternal optimists can be upsetting to deal with as they assume that risks are minimal and rewards amazing. That said, they can be lived with. Eternal pessimists that can never be encouraged to see things as ‘looking up,’ on the other hand, are relationship killers. Even the ‘noble optimists’ who thrive on helping and letting their little light shine eventually give up and leave (often depressed) when someone turns out to be an eternal pessimist.

How do you fight pessimism? Surprisingly, with gratitude. Spend a month keeping a gratitude journal; every morning and evening write down three things you’re grateful for in your life (no repeats!) The simple act of deliberately thinking about the things in life that make you glad to live goes a long way toward quelling the certainty that nothing will work the way you’d like it to.

Addictions

There are addictions that are obviously destructive, like heroin or white sugar. But there are just as many addictions that can masquerade as things that are acceptable or even fun at first: adrenaline junkies, compulsive gamblers, and porn addicts are good examples. These people’s addictions can make them seem exciting, competent, dangerous, and impressive — but in the end, the addiction ends up being little more than a competition for your partner’s attention. A competition that you always lose.

You can see soft mockery of this in things like the “NASCAR Widow” T-shirt, but the truth is that people who are truly addicted are more than just fans of something. Their brain chemistry is altered in such a way that, like with heroin or sugar, they literally cannot go without their addiction without getting upset, depressed, or withdrawn. And when your partner realizes that no, they really are less important to you than your next fix, all of the excitement and competence won’t save your relationship.

If your partner is unable to sustain your relationship, and you need to get away — or you’re worried that you are failing your partner — call Gucciardo Family Law. Even if you’re not in a position to need legal help, we can guide you to the people who can offer you what you need.