After the Divorce: Owning Your Own Life
Perhaps the most common question we hear from people going through a divorce (that is entirely outside of the legal realm) amounts to “but what will I do if…?” That question really is asking “what will my life be if…” — and when you rephrase it that way, the answer becomes something you can actively seek out.
What will your life be if? What do you want it to be? It’s difficult for people who have defined themselves for years as ‘a good husband’ or ‘a strong mother’ or ‘a breadwinner’ to learn to see themselves as something else — but no real person is one-dimensional. It’s time to learn to see yourself from a new angle; to find something in your life that has wanted to matter, but been suppressed by your situation.
Take a leadership role — and the person you’ll be leading is you.
Marshall Your Resources
The first step is to step out of your own shoes for a moment, and examine your life with the cold rationality of a dictator taking over a new country. Think it out or write it down: what are your resources? Include your skillset, your financial abilities, your friends, family, and other allies, your time, your mindset — anything that can help you forge a path forward. Don’t think at all about your obstacles, or how you believe these resources ‘must’ be used for one thing or another; just brainstorm and get your list down.
Target Failure for Termination
Now, look carefully at those areas of your life that are causing you the most stress and strife — the ones that are holding you back the most. You have exactly two options for dealing with each of those areas: either assign them enough of your ‘resource list’ to solve the problem, or walk away from that thing. It might seem cruel or even impossible depending on what the problem is, but anything that is holding you back that much and isn’t a solvable problem is only going to continue keeping you from living your life…for the rest of your life. Deal with the pain of walking away one time, and the rest of your life will improve.
Target Success for Multiplication
Finally, look at those things in your life which bring you pride and fulfillment. Assign them as many resources as you can without unbalancing the remainder of your life. If you get your joy out of watching your child at sports practice, make sure you can be there for as many practices as possible. If you get fulfillment out of volunteering at the local food bank, clear your schedule every Thursday from 8AM to 1PM. Your pride and your fulfillment are where your greatest successes will come from — and those successes are the things that will help you the most to redefine yourself as someone you can love.
That is the ultimate goal.
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