The Best Steps to Avert a Divorce, Part II  

Earlier this week, we wrote about two of the best things you can do to strengthen a relationship that you might fear is on the precipice of a divorce. We promised you more — and here it is!

Invest In Them
The first two tips from the last post (which you really should read) could be summed up as “trust them,” and “give to them.” If you thought that it was difficult to trust and give to someone you were afraid was getting ready to divorce you, you’re not going to like this step, either — but it’s at least as powerful as the first two steps.

Last week, we talked about the stages that lead up to a divorce, and among them were ‘detachment’ and ‘distance:’ an erstwhile-divorcer will do their best to create an emotional separation between you and them. The exact wrong way to respond is to play the victim and/or become needy — these only fuel their desire to get away from you, and give them ample excuse to do so.

The right thing to do, if you really want to avoid the scenario of a divorce, is to actively become interested in what they’re doing. Not in their hour-by-hour schedule, that’s intrusive, but in the things they’re interested in. Is your spouse retreating into a hobby so as to avoid you? Join them in the hobby! You might not think that remote-control balsawood gliders are at all interesting, but if you pay attention, study, ask questions, and genuinely get involved, you’d be amazed at how much detail goes into them and how much fun they can be…and more importantly, your spouse won’t just be ‘not upset’ with you, they’re quite likely to absolutely adore your attention and interest as long as it is genuine. Faking it because you’re scared they’re thinking of breaking up is never going to succeed — you have to actually invest real time and energy into the things they love.

Get Professional Help
One of the hardest things to accept when your partner decides it’s time to get a divorce is that they might be right. It might be that things really are as bad as they think, and even if you follow all of the advice given in these past two posts, you might still not be the person they want to be with. The only remaining option is to ‘go nuclear’ — invite them to come with you to a family, marriage, and child therapist (FMCT). If you have separate finances, offer to fund the trip on your own. Make it clear that this is the most profound sacrifice you know how to make, and go all in.

When you get to the therapist, be honest with them, but do your level best to listen and understand where your spouse is coming from. Legitimize them. If you can’t, frankly, divorce is inevitable — and if you can’t because they are genuinely being unreasonable, it’s probably preferable in the long run.

Ultimately, many divorces actually are for the best, and it’s up to you to recognize when you’re saving something worth having and when you’re fighting for your limitations. If you come the conclusion that you might need a divorce attorney after all, call Gucciardo Family Law today — we’re here for you.