Custody Evaluation, Part 2: How to Prepare

Please see Part 1 if you don’t have a firm grasp of what a custody evaluation consists of.

One of the most confounding things about family law is that every person comes into each procedure with a unique agenda that is rarely obvious and equally rarely shared honestly. Custody evaluations are no exception. Many parents, for example, try to use custody evaluations and a chance to expound on every minute shortcoming they see in their ex. They believe that if they build a sufficiently long list of problems, they will ‘win’ their child back by default.

Others do the opposite, attempting to aggrandize and overinflate the evaluators opinion of themselves without exactly disrespecting their exes. They believe that if they come off as ‘awesome enough,’ they will win the custody battle and walk away with their child.

The correct agenda to put forward in a custody evaluation is neither: you want to come off as the parent who is the most mature. The calm, reasonable one who is obviously more stable than the jerk in the next room over.

How to Prepare for a Custody Meeting
Prepping for a custody meeting starts with talking to yourself. Before you ever see the evaluator, you want to repeat in your mind:

• Accept that the court-appointed evaluator is a human being with imperfections, but who genuinely wants what’s best for your child, even if you disagree on what that is.
• Now (this is harder), accept the same thing about your ex.

Then, make sure you proactively seek out opportunities to be available for and in cooperation with the evaluator. The more you are available to them for all of the appointments they can think to ask you about, the faster the whole process will go. Remember, the evaluator is tasked with finding the right parent, and your willingness to bend in multiple directions — effectively, to get uncomfortable for your child’s well being — matters.

Furthermore, keeping an even keel with the evaluator tells them that you’re likely to keep an even keep at home. So remain calm, don’t make overtly hostile remarks, and frame everything you say in terms of the child’s best interests.

What Should You Tell the Custody Evaluator?
The rule is crystal clear, even if the facts often aren’t: if it’s a marital issue, keep it off the table at a custody hearing. If it’s a parenting issue, bring it up in a compassionate, caring way. It’s a good idea to get ready for the interview by writing notes about the things that concern you the most. If there’s a claim you want to make that doesn’t have hard proof, consider bringing whatever passes for evidence in your circumstances.

Prepping Your Child for the Custody Evaluation
If your child has an interview scheduled with an evaluator, explain to them that they’re meeting with a psychologist whose job it is to get to know them. If they need a more detailed explanation, offer them the notion that the evaluator is there to help decide which parent (or both) the child will live with. Do NOT attempt to ‘prime’ your child to deliver a negative statement about your spouse. Such efforts are almost always obvious, and a huge point in your exes’ favor.

What Next?
Once the custody evaluation is complete, will be submitted to the judge, who will usually include it in the divorce paperwork and use it as part of the basis of the divorce agreement. Should the divorce reach the stage of a full-blown trial, either parent will have the right to call on the evaluator as a neutral expert witness.