Safe Conflict: Conversing with Confidence

It’s not easy to get into a conflict with someone you love — and it’s even more difficult when the conversation gets toxic and destructive. The classic ‘ounce of prevention theory’ works here: we’re going to talk a bit about how to keep the conversation emotionally safe and keep alienation to a minimum.

There are seven concept being Safe Conflicts:

• Be specific
• Think before you talk
• Use only names and (informal) titles to refer to people
• Be judicious.
• Be patient.
• Keep your partner in mind while you listen.
• Use time-outs as often as needed.

Be Specific

There is an enormous tendency, when you get into a conflict with someone, to generalize — to take your problem from “I wish you had done X on this occasion” to “I wish you did X.” Or on the other side, to take your problem from “When X happens, you respond with Y” to “You always Y.” This immediately causes two things to happen in the other person’s head:

1. They remember every occasion when your generalization wasn’t true, and thus they discard your generalization as false without giving it any further attention, and
2. They feel like you either take them for granted or like you don’t know them as well as you think you do.

Both of those responses are conversation stoppers. If you want your conversation to move forward, you must restrict yourself to talking about a specific instance. Once the specific instance has been completely resolved, you can (if you feel like you need to) move on to address the pattern as a larger issue, but wait a few hours or even overnight before you do — don’t let the emotional entanglements of the immediate issue get in the way of the larger conversation.

Think Before You Talk

There are two different paths you can take when you feel like your partner is wrong. You can react, or you can respond. The difference is that reacting happens automatically — it’s a reflex that has to be quashed, like you stop yourself from jumping when something in the corner of your eye startles you. Responding happens after you take the time to process what you’ve heard, and you consider it. A reaction is almost guaranteed to miss the other person’s point on some level; a response is much more likely to address it.

Use Names and Titles

This is a weird one for many people, but there’s this amazing thing that happens to people when a conflict starts: we listen to the other person with an ear out for insults. And almost anything that someone else calls us in the middle of a conflict can sound like an insult, even when it has zero intention of being one. So rather than play into that phenomenon, train yourself to skip out on obvious insults like “slob,” “jerk,” and so on — and also on subtle unintended insults like “boss,” “Queen,” or “cutie.” Save those for when there’s humor in the air.

Be Judicious

In general, but especially during times of conflict, the rule should be to say as little as is necessary to make your feelings known and then wait to see what the response will be. It’s all too easy to get on a rant and start drawing in externalities, dredging up old problems, and otherwise clouding the issue. Keep it simple — along with keeping it specific — by knowing when to stop talking and let your partner figure out where they stand and how they want to respond to you.

Be Patient

At the same time, your partner (who hopefully is also following these rules) needs time to be able to think before they talk, and to recognize when it’s time to be judicious. That means you can’t sit there tapping on your desk or repeatedly huffing and rolling your eyes. When it’s their turn to say something, give them the time and energy they need to do so.

Keep Your Partner In Mind While You Listen

Originally, this entry was entitled “Don’t Be Defensive,” but people who are naturally defensive don’t respond well when you tell them they’re doing something wrong and need to stop. So instead, we’re putting this in the active sense: when you listen, don’t listen from your own perspective. Instead, listen from the perspective of someone who wants you to have the best possible relationship with your partner. Even if you have to stop them and ask them to start over once you’ve gotten into the right ‘role,’ it’s worth the mental gymnastics you need to perform in order to listen with the ‘right’ goal in mind.

Use Time-Outs As Often As Needed

Time-outs are a critical part of many of the steps above, from enforcing your partner’s ability to be patient to being able to think before you talk. Feel free to ask for time, and at the same time, insist on your partner doing the same (and honor it when they do, obviously.) Even if the time-out is hours long — that kind of ‘chunking’ can make what seems like an incredibly difficult conversation into something much easier to deal with. If you need to, write down what you’re thinking so that you can get back to it after the time-out.

Learning to communicate is the first step toward saving a failing relationship. Turning to the law for a remedy is the last one. If you’ve reached that point and you’re wondering what you can do next, call Gucciardo Law today — we can help.