When Is Joint Custody the Wrong Call?

When it comes to custody of a child after divorce, the default — for good reason! — is joint custody. That good reason is that in general, children are better off the more loving adults are in their life. Of course, science and law have both advanced significantly since this doctrine was first put forth in the 80s. Today, we have ample studies that show that the default logic is great…IF the parents get along.

But If They Don’t…
According to Robert Emery, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, ” joint physical custody is the best and the worst arrangement for children. It’s the best when parents can cooperate enough to make joint physical custody work for children. It’s the worst when joint physical custody leaves children in the middle of a war zone. The best research supports this conclusion. In low or controlled conflict divorces, children fare better in joint than in sole physical custody. In high conflict divorces, children do worse in joint physical custody than in other arrangements.”

In other words, joint custody is actively damaging to children if the parents can’t get along. But that’s hardly the only case in which sole custody can be better.

When Joint Custody Becomes a Trigger or Pride Point
In short, when one parent insists on a 50/50 split or otherwise arbitrarily picks a situation that they insist should be implemented because it is fair to them, that parent should lose. As much as it stings to hear, if you’re more interested in what’s right for you than what’s right for your child, you probably shouldn’t get that much say in what happens to your kid.

It’s one thing to argue for joint custody because you genuinely love your child and want to continue to sacrifice your time and energy on their behalf like a parent should. It’s another thing entirely to use your child as a pawn in some twisted quest to ‘get more’ out of a divorce.

When One Parent Is Just Too Busy
This might be unpleasant, but it’s a fact: joint custody requires more of your time, in some ways, than sole custody. There are two reasons: first, because joint custody obligates you to have long, complicated discussions with the other parent every time a major life event happens to you, or them, or the child. Second, because real life is complicated, and you absolutely definitely WILL spend a huge amount of time making up for silly things like the fact that your child left their soccer cleats at your ex’s house and they can’t go to practice without them.

If you’re the kind of person who schedules their life to the minute — or the kind who plays it loose but also goes bonkers when you’re forced to do annoying things unexpectedly —  joint custody isn’t going to be great for your child. It’s not OK for them to miss soccer practice because you’re too busy networking at the Chamber of Commerce meeting to drive over and get those cleats.

When Joint Custody is Being Sought to Reduce Child Support Payments
Michigan is lucky in this regard; our child support formula doesn’t really have a ‘break point’ at which child support payments change. But in many states, once you reach a magical number of nights spent with your child, your support payments suddenly drop — and it’s amazing how many parents insist on a custody agreement that provides them exactly  that many nights with their child.

Sorry, but once again, if you’re attempting to mathematically optimize the time you have on this Earth with your child against any number other than “100% loved,” you shouldn’t get joint custody.

In the End
It turns out that, nationwide, just barely over 10% of all minor children of divorced parents are living in a joint custody arrangement. So while joint custody is the default target for most American family courts, it’s rarely actually attained. In our experience, 10% is in fact about the share of total divorcees who can handle a joint custody situation properly…so maybe everything is working out as it should after all.