You Don’t Divorce Your Spouse

There is a single, simple rule that overrides all others once the divorce papers hit the table: the person that you knew, the person that was your spouse, doesn’t exist anymore. You don’t divorce your spouse: you divorce the stranger that your spouse has become.

Why is this important? Because there are dozens — or hundreds — of situations in a divorce that you know for a fact that your spouse isn’t mean or callous enough to take advantage of you in…and you’re wrong. If you intend to reach the end of your divorce with the least hard feelings, you have to pretend that you don’t know your spouse, and act as though you’re divorcing a complete stranger whose ethics and morals you know nothing about. That means you should protect yourself and your children as though your spouse is going to engage in the nastiest behavior you can imagine. Even if you’re wrong, you won’t regret having taken the precautions.

For example:

• Transfer any liquid assets held in joint accounts into accounts in your name only. Especially if you’re the low- or no-income spouse. Do not spend this money; simply hold it. Leave enough in the joint accounts to cover the next couple month’s bills, but other than that, liquidate everything you can, including any home equity lines of credit. Preventing your spouse from being spiteful is much easier than recovering from it.
• File a Petition for Temporary Relief immediately. Every judge questioned has agreed that, no matter how well the parties are getting along, such a petition is always a good idea. This petition prevents either party from selling, loaning, or giving assets away, or from taking on additional debt. It will also explain who will pay what bills during the divorce, and who will do what parenting; essentially maintaining the status quo legally.
• Get your own attorney — don’t use the same one that your spouse is using. The initial stages of divorce are a time of rapidly-expanding disagreements. If you both use the same attorney, one of you will at some point decide that that attorney is on the other person’s side, and bitterness will result.
• Set up a parenting plan as soon as possible. The sooner you get together with your spouse to talk about how much time you each want with your children, the sooner you’ll realize that your expectations and theirs don’t match up at all. Setting up the plan early will give the children the chance to get used to the process. Also, you’ll have the chance to hear from your children about what it’s like when they’re with your spouse alone; you may learn something that is relevant to bring up during the divorce proceedings.
• Start on your basic discovery. Both spouses should exchange financial affidavits that state what they have and what they owe and what their sources of income are. Every asset, debt, and income stream need to be accounted for in the final judgment, and having your spouse (and you!) swear under oath that they’re not hiding anything is the best way to avoid a nasty surprise late in the game.

Doing these things proactively might annoy your spouse — but they’re not going to be your spouse for that much longer, and it’s better to mildly annoy them now than be seriously traumatized later when you discover that they’re no longer the person you knew and loved.