Marriage Troubles: Talking About Seeing a Therapist

In our last post, we talked a bit about how a couple can easily end up skipping the ‘let’s talk to a relationship counselor’ phase of a large martial dispute, and end up going straight to ‘let’s get a divorce.’ That’s a shame, and to help combat it, we introduced a few steps designed to make sure ‘the talk’ about ‘the problem’ actually happens — but making sure The Talk happens does nothing to ensure that it goes well. Today, we’re going to give our best advice on how to make sure The Talk goes well, too.

Rule Number One: Talk about the Future (Not the Past or Present)
This is by far the hardest thing to master. When we talk about the past, we automatically talk about credit and blame. (“Who left the toothpaste cap off?”) When we talk about the present, we naturally talk about values and judgment. (“Is it a good idea to leave the toothpaste cap off?”) But when we talk about the future, we are forced to talk about solutions. (“How can we keep the toothpaste cap from getting left off?”) By avoiding a conversation centered around blame or judgment, but instead focusing on what can be done to make things better in the future, you keep the conversation positive.

“You were watching porn again. (Past-tense; blame.) I don’t like you watching porn and I want you to stop. (Present-tense; judgment.)” That’s a conversation starter that will instantly put them on the defensive and shut down any chance of getting anywhere.

Rule Number Two: Talk about Your Fear (Not Anger or Disappointment)
“Honey, I would like to feel better about your porn-watching habits. What can we do that will ease my fears that you aren’t attracted to me like you used to be?” This is still going to put your spouse on the alert that this conversation isn’t going to be an easy one, but notice how you’ve tightly focused on the issue (which isn’t actually the porn-watching, but how the porn-watching makes you feel) and put the emphasis on finding a way to resolve the feeling (which may or may not actually involve your spouse laying off the porn).

When you express anger or disappointment, even if you do it as described above (“I would like to be less angry about…”), you make it easy for your spouse to think of your stance as irrational or unreasonable. When you approach the conversation from a state of vulnerability, however,  it is much easier to deal with. Even if your real emotional state is much more volatile, putting it in gentler terms will help the conversation happen, which is a huge step forward compared to the alternative. It’s easy to discount someone who is screaming or rolling their eyes — it’s hard to ignore someone who is asking for help.

Rule Number Three: Talk about Options (Not One Specific Option)
Remember, the question you’re answering is “what can we do to X,” not “we need to Y so X happens.” This conversation is intended to open a path toward therapy, but you should remain open to other ideas — it may be that the solution you need doesn’t lie with a therapist. Feel free to guide the conversation toward therapy as an option, but don’t force it.

Try anything that comes up if it sounds reasonable. If it doesn’t work within 6-8 weeks, try having this conversation again. If your spouse resists the idea in an unreasonable fashion, try to investigate why. Ultimately, however, as long as your spouse remains willing to keep trying (and so do you!), you can fend off the visit to the divorce lawyer — and as much as we make a living when people come visit us, we’d rather see people happily married than not. There will always be plenty of unhappy people to keep us busy; you don’t need to be among them!