Divorce and Faith: How to Heal

There’s a lot of advice about getting divorced out there, but it’s almost all focused on the financial and emotional aspects of getting divorced. There is, however, more to life than money and fear, and we should spend some time talking about the impact of divorce on other areas of your life. So today, we’re going to talk about faith. Not just religion, though for most of us, the two are fairly synonymous — but about what you believe life is all about and what the ‘background rules’ of the world are.

Taking Responsibility: The Equity of Blame
The first step in healing after a divorce is to recognize a universal truth: every problematic relationship is problematic because of both parties. No matter how you have painted the picture of your divorce in your own mind, there is always some amount of blame that can be placed at your feet. This doesn’t mean you ‘got what you deserved’ — but it does mean that you cannot place yourself above your ex on a spiritual level in your mind. When the courts divide your martial assets, they seek ‘equity’ — not ‘equality’ — the idea being that equity provides each person with what they need to succeed after the divorce. Assigning responsibility equitably (not equally) will allow you to recognize your own role — which is what enables the next step.

Forgiving All Involved
The second step is to forgive. Forgive yourself for your part in the end of your marriage — and also forgive your ex for theirs. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you accept the behavior that led to the divorce. But it does mean that you let go of the anger and contempt that you have for the behavior (and the person attached to it.) The longer you keep a hold of that anger, contempt, and bitterness, the more it will hurt you; it does no good. Letting it go will allow you to keep your eyes on the future and move forward into a new life without being plagued by the past. Forgiveness is the most powerful spiritual tool in any human arsenal — put it to work!

Aside: Religious Faith, Divorce, and Being Judged
For many of us, a marriage is more than a civil ceremony — it is also a religious event. If you were married within a religious context, and that context disapproves of divorce (or even simply approves of marriage), you may find that divorce brings an extra burden of shame, guilt, and failure. Those feelings are a part of every divorce, but can be exacerbated by members of your religious community who see your divorce as bad. The truth is that none of those people are you, and none of them, no matter what your religion, no living person has divine authority to judge your actions in that way — not your religious leader, and certainly not the people who worship beside you. Decide within yourself to commend your judgment to the power you believe in, and trust Them to do what is just.

Finding Your Place
The last stage of spiritual healing is asking yourself three questions:

• What part of my faith (if any) is invalid in the face of my divorce?
• What is my spiritual role in life if it is not what my marriage made it out to be?
• How can I be authentically myself, as a separate entity from my ex?

Finding the answers to those questions is not always easy, and you cannot address them until you have done the first two steps. But they are crucial to redefining your faith post-divorce. Enlist your religious leaders, friends, family, and community in helping you find the answers, and complete the healing process.