How to Tell Your Kids about the Divorce

Deep, gut-wrenching anxiety. Drive-you-literally-insane guilt. And shame…shame enough to make you down a pint of Hubby Hubby and come back for seconds. That’s what’s on the menu when you look at your child and consider sitting them down to tell them that their parents are about to get a divorce.

How do you explain it? How do you tell them that life will never be the same again? How do you reassure them that it’s not their fault?
 
Rest assured, they already know that something is going to snap. They’ve been living with the two of you for this whole time, and there’s exactly zero chance that they haven’t felt the tension, heard the acerbic words, and seen the expressions on your faces. They might not understand what is happening, but they definitely understand that something is happening. So you can at least go into it knowing it won’t be a complete surprise.

The Important Points
There are six things you must convey to your child when you talk about the impending divorce:

• This is a decision you and your spouse are making independently — it’s not anything they did, and there isn’t anything they can do to change your mind. It’s a done deal.
• Even though you and your spouse won’t be living in the same house, you will still both be parents, and your child will always be just that — your child.
• Both of you will always love your child, no matter what else happens.
• Both of you will always be there to keep your child safe, no matter what else happens.
• This is about making life better for everyone — not about assigning blame for the current, unacceptable conditions.
• And in the end, things will work out better than they would if you didn’t get divorced.

The Critical Rules
There are four rules you must follow when you broach the subject with your child:

• Include the other parent in this event — don’t go it alone. Be on the same page with your spouse before you sit down to talk, and do it as a family, with all parties present. That will make it much easier to follow the other rules.
• Don’t make a speech — have a conversation. The more you rehearse, the worse it will go. Instead, sit down and talk about the last several months. Talk about how life has been good, about how it’s been bad, and about how it’s changed. Focus on those events that led to the decision to get divorced.
• Don’t lay blame of any kind –– acknowledge events but don’t dwell on them. As you discuss the background to the decision, resist all temptation to throw barbs at, put blame on, or otherwise undercut your spouse. Acknowledge each event for the contributing factor it was, and ask them to understand each factor, but leave it at that.
• Accept denial and resistance — but be gently firm. Your child will go through a wide range of emotions, from begging to rage to depression and more, and they will do everything they can think of to make you reconsider. Focus on how much better life will be for everyone involved when the central, unavoidable source of conflict is gone.
• Talk honestly about what’s next –– good and bad. Once you’ve established firmly that this divorce is unavoidable, and everyone present agrees on that point, take the time to reassure your child that you still love them. Demonstrate that by showing them that you’re already thinking about what life will be like on the other side of the divorce process, and you’re already making concessions to one another in order to keep the child’s life as positive and forward-facing as possible.

Any divorce is full of emotion, struggle, and pain — but for a parent, to break the decision to their child is often the single most emotionally devastating part of the process. Approach it with calm responsibility, and you will go a very long way toward making the process easier for everyone involved. If you feel like you need a better understanding of what the divorce process looks like before you can have this conversation, call Gucciardo Family Law at (248) 723-5190, and we’ll talk you through it in as much detail as you need.